This is Jeff, or Jenny’s husband as I am likely known around here. It has been quite some time since I wrote My Side of the Story so I asked Jenny if I could write another guest post. If you couldn’t figure it out, she said yes. I am excited about this post because it is an opportunity for me to share five basic tenets (some funny, some serious) that I wish women would live by:
1. Encourage other women. This doesn’t happen nearly as often as it should. In fact, women often are the ones holding other women back. Why would you do that? You have enough obstacles with lingering stereotypes to have to overcome criticism and jealousy from other women. Successes by women open more doors for you. Celebrate successes and encourage and support each other.
2. Your husband is a horrible diet accountability partner. This is a no-win situation for husbands. If you want to biggie size your combo with a Dr. Pepper in a weak moment, we can either step in, say no and accept your wrath then, or we can let you eat it and accept your wrath later. No. Win. Situation. See the picture above? We love that picture. It was before we let each other biggie size our combos.
3. Have your own identity. Your identity is not wrapped up in your spouse, your kids, or your job. The C+ that Billy got on his Math test does not mean that you are a bad mother. It means Billy doesn’t understand fractions. It is time to rediscover YOUR hopes and dreams and to live life to the fullest. Your entire family will benefit from you living life intentionally. I’m thrilled that Jenny started this blog because it is about finding her identity and encouraging others to do the same.
4. Your mood and attitude affects your entire household. This is the unfair reality that women face. Your mood, more than anybody else’s, determines the atmosphere in your home. Happy, sad, angry…I can guarantee you that your spouse and kids change their behavior based on your mood. I am not saying that you are not allowed to feel these emotions; rather, just be conscious of when your emotions are getting to the point where they are negatively impacting relationships.
5. You are not the only woman that __________________. I left the last “word” blank because we can fill it with ANYTHING! You know how this goes. It starts with you being too hard on yourself for something and then proceeds to an unreasonable comparison with some model wife/mom/friend that doesn’t exist. So say it with me…”you are not the only woman with a house that is a disaster area”…”you are not the only woman that is running late for your kid’s recital”…”you are not the only woman that is wearing exercise clothes and a hat because you didn’t have time to shower this morning.” Strength in numbers! Don’t we feel better now?
Agree? Disagree? My future guest posts ride on your response so let me hear your comments.
And I like my wife. A lot actually. And I want you to keep coming back so that she stays happy. Remember #4? So subscribe, and follow her on all the sites you women are in love with: facebook, twitter, and pinterest.
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Comments
Marcia Froese
Ok I will be the brave one and comment! Thanks so much for your thoughts on these issues. I do think you hit the nail on the head on all of them. I like all 5 of them and find them all to be so very true……my hubby and I do not typically get biggie on things, but when we do, we throughly enjoy it! #1, so very true….the biggest thing that does hold us back is either ourselves or other women, especially women whose opinions matters! And really when they are critical and negative it is really their own issue that is behind their insensitive comment.
I do have to ask, are these things that you and Jenny have been discussing together? I have to ask (and please do not be offended) b/c I am pretty sure that there are not many guys that think about these things on their own – at least the men (hubby, brothers etc) in my life wouldn’t, unless it was brought up by us girls! Great list of tenants! Thanks.
Sincerely,
Marcia
P.S. By the way, I think your wife is great! I love reading her blog! When I read her list – it really struck me how close to the edge you guys came – and I think it is pretty amazing the journey you have been on together. I love how everyone has a story!
Jeffrey Meyerson
Thanks for your comment. This is the second original thought I have had in the last couple months, which is why I was allowed to post again.
Actually, it was an original thought, but I cheated. I am surrounded by women so I get to think about stuff like this all the time. I have a wife and sister-in-law who blog, a mom and sister who talk, and 3 daughters surrounding me at all times.
We went through a scary time, but glad we are all around to talk and write about it.
Jeff
Marilyn Johnson
I love reading your post just like I do Jenny’s. I have been wondering do you have your own life list?
Jeffrey Meyerson
I knew that question was coming sooner or later. I actually do not have my own life list yet. I haven’t started one for the same reasons most people haven’t. I am scared to write my dreams down and then be faced with actually pursuing them. Jenny has been prodding me to do it. I have really enjoyed helping her pursue items on her list because I get great joy seeing her accomplish her list. BUT, I do have things that I want to do and I will write them down. Maybe that will be the subject of my next guest post. OR, I could do “Five tenets that I wish I (men) would live by”
Jennifer Henson
I love Jenny’s blog and follow regularly, and I liked today’s post by you as well. I agree with all the tenets, but would like husbands to remember #4, too. We can be cheery and chipper at home but when a big, grumpy bear or eyore with the gray cloud over him comes in, that affects family, too.
Loved it, and pinned it on pinterest, too! 
Jeffrey Meyerson
Men should recognize the impact of their behavior as well. It has a detrimental effect. I am simply trying to point out that the woman’s mood has a bigger impact than anyone else’s in the family. You are right though, a grumpy man leads to a grumpy woman, which leads to a very grumpy household. More so than if just one of the parental units is grumpy.
Lee Currie
Wonderful! Thank you for the reminder that some husbands “get it”. You are both very fortunate
Jeffrey Meyerson
Lee, I am surrounded by so many women that it was imperative (and inevitable) that I learn a few things eventually. I “get it” sometimes and forget it other times so I am certainly not perfect. The list of things I wish I (men) would remember is a lot longer than this list.
Rebekah
LOL at #2! I just shared that with my hubby as I am sure he has felt “trapped” by that responsibility as well! Thanks for the reminders, they are all great!
Jeffrey Meyerson
There is no worse position for a man to be in. Please don’t use us as an alarm clock for getting to the gym early in the morning either.
Karen Moore
Hi Jeff! I enjoyed your post and wanted you to know that Jenny’s blog is in my #3 all time favorite blogs. Every day I get excited to find a new post in my email. You guys are so cute and have a very special family. You can post anytime Jenny “let’s you” because I like your style and being reminded of your 5 basic tenants! Wishing y’all a special Sunday.
Jeffrey Meyerson
#3? REALLY? I hope God and family are #1 and #2.
Karen, thank you for being part of this community. Jenny genuinely loves her readers and appreciates your comments. We are blessed to have a great family. We have endured some very hard times, but have thankfully tackled them together.
Deirdre
I like when we hear from “the other side” of a couple and enjoyed your tenants. I think you should surprise Jenny with five finished posts that she could use whenever she needs:)
I don’t agree with #1′s description of women as holding other women back. I think it’s an inaccurate stereotype of women. Sure, there are haters of both genders, but I’ve found most women to be incredibly supportive and encouraging. Maybe I’ve just been lucky?
#4 has been a huge realization for me in just the past two years. I set the tone. When I remind myself of that, so much shifts in our house. I often get grumpy while making dinner (because I’m late, or interrupted, or just hungry) and if I bring that to the table, all my work goes to waste because dinner won’t be that time of family unity I’m working for. Thanks for reminding of that here.
Jeffrey Meyerson
I am obviously not a woman so my opinion is based solely on my observations. Jenny has been a nurse for 17 years and I have seen a lack of encouragement, support and mentorship within that female dominated field. Jenny’s experience with this blog has been wonderful and certainly her experience has started to change my view, but there are still female bloggers and readers out there (as evidenced by twitter and forum comments, etc.) that get more “joy” by keeping someone down than by encouraging them.
Jenny
I agreed and disagreed with #1 too, Deirdre. At first glance I disagreed. But Jeff is right as far as nursing vs my blog. I’ve witnessed polar opposites in how women treat and support one another. I’ve witnessed many nurses leave the healthcare field due to being torn down by other women. As a former administrator, I witnessed it 100 times more (employee to employee, employer to employee, etc). It was truly one of the saddest things I witnessed and left me incredibly discouraged. Since starting my blog, I have been overwhelming supported by many readers and big bloggers that have wanted me to succeed. But I’ve also seen some cut throat comments on twitter and various forums where jealously still is present among bloggers. That is more rare in blogging than in nursing (my experience), but is still present. I hope and Jeff hopes for that to change. Thanks so much for the dialogue – loved how it got me thinking about the importance of supporting others and building them up (those on the internet and those in my own neighborhood).
Jeri Ann
Yes! Yes! Yes! Jeff, you know we all agree with these, whether we want to admit it or not. (I have a magnet on my fridge that says, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” And I concede that my family is still afraid to admit in my presence that they agree with that!) Not only do women need to encourage each other, but to stop discouraging each other by exclusion, cliques, etc. I had to rid my life of the women who get pleasure from “male bashing” with other women, because I love men – I love my husband and had to work hard to understand what makes him tick and embrace our differences. So enough of my ramblings…you go Jeff, and keep taking care of that Jenny!
Jeffrey Meyerson
Jeri Ann,
Thanks for your comments. Your point about discouragement through exclusion is spot on. The “male bashing” comment is funny because that was my tenet #6 that obviously got edited out of my post. Jenny is especially good at building me up and reserving any criticism for when we are in private. It is a huge gift that she has given me in our marriage.
Lisa Nagele
How refreshing, honest, true, and thoughtfully expressed. Thank you! Love to hear a husband communicate so clearly and kindly about his wife and all women in general! Gives me insight into my wonderful husband who isn’t quite so free with his communication of his feelings or desires for his wife! Thank you for sharing your insights!
Jeffrey Meyerson
Lisa, thank you for your words. The truth is that this short little post took me 5 hours to write. I had five other tenets that I was going to write about, but I couldn’t dedicate my entire Saturday to my guest post!
Karen
How true is everything you have said and then there is the unsaid. To live in a sea of estrogen has to be one of life’s toughest. Even for women. You are so right, as female and this starts somewhere between 8 & 10 years old, we always want to be the best. For this, there is the price we pay of cruelty to the rest of the female race. For some reason, we loose site of the fact that our true goal is to be the best we can be and have others come along with us. I have learned over the years that exact thing. With this comes a saying from my child many years before she should have said, “Mom, why can’t we ALL just get along?”. I have learned so much from my daughter, I only hope she remembers all this when she gets to this point. Thanks Jeff for thinking about the “other side”.
Jeffrey Meyerson
Karen, the one thing that women (and girls) can do is surround themselves with other women (and girls) that are encouraging and will offer love and support. Being social beings, it is natural to want to be included in the “cool” clicks, but our self esteem really needs the “cool and encouraging and supportive” click.
Heather George
I love #3…this one is one that I constantly struggle with. It’s hard not to get lost in your family when there are so many small children to care for.
Jeffrey Meyerson
It is a hard balance. Don’t mistake time and effort with identity. Just don’t be afraid of dreaming about things bigger. Jenny’s life list scared me at first. I saw all of these items that would take up time and cost money. As we have pursued them, it has been such a blessing for me and for the kids to see their mom have dreams and actively pursuing them.
Stephanie Hackney
Jeff,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. You, like my husband, are insightful and real. Love it!
I read all the comments and only found one person who thought #3 was not accurate. To answer her question, yes, she has been lucky. I quit a career due to the pettiness and competitiveness of the women I worked with. There was little support and lots of backstabbing and dishonesty by those wanting to get ahead. Shameful and sad.
I have said so many times, why can;t we all just be supportive? We don;t have to like everyone, or agree with everyone, but why can’t women at least support each other in whatever it is we all want to pursue? And, do so without harming others in the process?
I do have some wonderful female friends, and many “online” buddies. They are supportive and fun and “get me.” I wish this for every woman. And, I wish the mean ones happiness because I believe their inability to support other women comes from being unhappy and/or insecure.
Loved hearing from you today, just as I love reading the thoughts of your wonderful wife. Maybe one day I’ll be in the audience when she dances with Ellen.
Enjoy your Sunday you two,
Steph
Stephanie Hackney
Correction to the post above. I meant #1, not #3!
Jeff,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. You, like my husband, are insightful and real. Love it!
I read all the comments and only found one person who thought #1 was not accurate. To answer her question, yes, she has been lucky. I quit a career due to the pettiness and competitiveness of the women I worked with. There was little support and lots of backstabbing and dishonesty by those wanting to get ahead. Shameful and sad.
I have said so many times, why can;t we all just be supportive? We don;t have to like everyone, or agree with everyone, but why can’t women at least support each other in whatever it is we all want to pursue? And, do so without harming others in the process?
I do have some wonderful female friends, and many “online” buddies. They are supportive and fun and “get me.” I wish this for every woman. And, I wish the mean ones happiness because I believe their inability to support other women comes from being unhappy and/or insecure.
Loved hearing from you today, just as I love reading the thoughts of your wonderful wife. Maybe one day I’ll be in the audience when she dances with Ellen.
Enjoy your Sunday you two,
Steph
Jeffrey Meyerson
Thanks for sharing that Stephanie. That is much more in line with what Jenny has experienced and it is sad. I have been in some very competitive environments at law firms and have never seen anything like it.
And we would love to fill the Ellen audience with those that have supported Jenny along the way.
Julie
Ah…out of the mouths of…..husbands.
Jeff, you are on the money brother!
I’ve personally noticed #1 in the last few years and desperately try to support woman and ALLOW Myself to be supported. It’s silly really because women really do rule the world. See # 4….LOL!
Thanks for the reminders…..jump in the pool anytime. Jenny has some good….GREAT readers and we appreciate your family and their perspective and up beat, loving, caring Vibes!
Julie
Jeffrey Meyerson
Thanks Julie. I am glad to hear that you are actively trying to make a change with #1. I agree that Jenny has some great readers. It has been really fun to watch her develop online relationships with people from around the world.
Jodie
Jeff what a wonderful post, nursing is totally a profession like that, I can attest personally to this, Jenny if very lucky to have such an amazing husband and supporter. I hope she continues to let you guest post.
Jeffrey Meyerson
Thanks. I am far from perfect, but Jenny and I have been through some very difficult times and we have learned that we make a great team. I think this post earned me at least one more.
Melissa
I really, really, REALLY struggle with number 3. I have been an Army wife for 20 years. My “job” is essentially to follow my husband around the country, supporting his career. We move when the Army tells us to. We live in houses the Army tells us to live in (unless we live off-post, which has only happened 3 times in 20 years). I am, essentially, at the Army’s “beck and call”. Hubby’s job comes first. When he’s home, I support him by volunteering for different organizations, by raising money, by producing a spouse cookbook, etc. When he’s gone, I keep the home fires burning. What that really means is that I keep the house running, keep the cars running, deal with car repairs, broken water heaters and air conditioners, school conferences (on my own), pay the bills, make sure the insurance cards get into the car, make sure the tags get renewed, get the taxes done, etc. Much of my life has been put on hold for all these years. Have I been able to pursue some of my passions over the years? Yes! I rode horses competitively at Ft. Stewart, taught riding at Ft. Polk, taught high school band at Ft. Campbell, discovered scrapbooking (and ran a business) at Ft. Leavenworth, evolved into a paid photographer at Ft. Benning, etc. I am NOT the only Army wife out there. There are many like me who struggle with this. There are also some AMAZING wives out there who have managed to become a doctor, a lawyer and even get their PhD while being an Army spouse, so yes, I know it can be done. But I personally struggle with choosing my interests and pursuits over the kind of support (and volunteer positions) that I also wish to give my husband. Thank you, Jeff, for reaffirming that “my own identity” is really, really important. As for number 1, all I could do was laugh. Try being an Army wife. You haven’t known “holding other women back” until you’ve been around a bunch of Army wives. But you ALSO haven’t truly known “encouraging and supporting one another” until you’ve been an Army wife. But the BEST part of Jeff’s post? Number 4. THAT was a HUGE “A-ha Moment” for me. So much so, I’m putting it on a sticky note and putting it on the bathroom mirror. Truer words could not have been spoken. Thanks Jeff.
Jeffrey Meyerson
Melissa,
Jenny lived the USAF life growing up and my sister in law is married to an officer now so we are aware of the lifestyle and adjustments that have to be made when the military spouse is deployed. Responsibilities and lack of free time make it difficult to focus on yourself and your own identity. It takes planning, patience and execution. Jenny and I don’t have all the answers and on a weekly basis, something doesn’t go as planned. The key is to be flexible know matter what you are pursuing, but make sure you don’t give up. Do what you can and show your husband your individuality. I have never been so proud of Jenny. To watch her pursue her goals and to live intentionally has been a gift for me and the kids to see. The life list can be threatening though. I was apprehensive about Jenny’s list at first when she approached me and said she was going to pursue it. Time, money…it scared me.
Start small. Your marriage will be better for it. If you think back to when you were dating, your husband didn’t fall in love with because you were so diligent at paying bills and making sure the cars were fixed. It IS wonderful that you support your husband by doing that. He loved you for your individuality. Having your own identity and including your husband in the process can be a great thing.
Melissa
Jeff, did you really just tell me, an Army wife, to be flexible? Are you kidding me? Bahahahahahahaha! Honey, “flexible” is my middle name. We are gearing up for deployment number five this summer. I’ll have all sorts of time to pursue my life list while I’m working full time and taking care of my son for 13 months while hubby is gone again. (Um, not!) My patience, planning and execution will revolve around getting through those 13 months, dealing with a freshman in high school, working again, juggling cross-country, band and piano lessons and hoping every single day my husband comes home alive. That’s my “life list” for now. And that’s good enough for me. Oh, and my marriage? I consider it quite the accomplishment to still be married after 20 years, which includes a year apart (Korea) and four deployments, especially considering the divorce rate among military couples right now. I’ve gotten to do some pretty amazing things (that I never thought I’d do when I married him) these past 20 years, so I do have some fulfillment in my life. But I don’t really need a “life list” right now. I need a “live husband”, come summer of 2013.
kathy
Like most I struggle with number three, but that is something I am working on.
At this point the only time I am not just Sean’s wife or Madeleine’s mom is when I officiate Track and Field meets. I need to expand the areas that I can truly call my own.
Jeffrey Meyerson
You can share your interests with your family too. Attend track and field events with you daughter and/or husband. Including your family in your interests make it even more rewarding.
Barrie
Nice post, brother! I have to say that I identify most with tenets 1 and 2. Number two couldn’t be more spot on with your brother-in-law and me. It is nice to know that we are not the only ones. I think numbers three and four will become more apparent when we have children. As for number one…I think that was part of the reason I left my last job. I still like the people I worked with, but everyone was so overly concerned with what other people were doing that it became a very stressful and sometimes even somewhat hostile environment. Now I am back in construction and happy as a clam!
I love reading Jenny’s blog and I have truly enjoyed hearing my brother’s take on things. Thanks for helping us take a step back and look at our lives from a different angle. I love you both!
Jeffrey Meyerson
Thanks sis! #2 is so true and must be really tough for you and Brendan. That guy can put the fear of G-d into an In-N-Out franchisee.
Three and four are definitely accelerated by children. As for #1, it is an unfortunate truth. Not sure how it will change.
Thanks for commenting. Go over to my hijack post today and write one thing that you want to do before you die.
Donna Giannetti
Love the post!!! Hope there are more “guest post” Jeff. I think you hit the nail in the head with all 5. My husband would definatley agree with you on all of these (he too is surrounded by all woman).
(from a dental hygienist)
Great job….LOVE the blog.
Great teeth
Janet Quintero
That was awesome!! I wish I would’ve known the power I had as a woman before my divorce, but hey it’s never too late to move toward positive thinking and change in life for myself. I agree 100% with all 5 because I’ve lived them, but never truly realized the impact negative thinking truly has on me or women in general.
Thank you for sharing
Amy
Hi Jeff,
I am brand new to this blog, so forgive me butting in like this.
I think it is brave of you to put out there what you see as priorities for women to keep in mind. So often the men I know are afraid of the conflict that could arise from voicing their own views and perspectives.
I am glad that you feel safe enough to do so.
Amy
Jeff Meyerson
Amy,
I know I am a little biased, but that is what I love about Jenny’s blog. It is one of the few places on the internet where you can voice an opinion and expect respectful responses even if people disagree.
Jeff