Today I posted a picture of a Project Life layout that included letters that I wrote to my kids. Some of the handwritten notes I included contained prayers for my children. This afternoon I received an email from a reader who saw it posted on a Facebook page and asked me, “Are you a Christian? You seem to be too real and honest to be a Christian. You talk about God, but also about grace and not judging. You aren’t like my former neighbor who judged me and my mom all the time when I was growing up.”
In my response to her, I apologized. I apologized to her for her having to ask the question. I apologized to her for the experience she had as a child. I asked if I could call her. We immediately enjoyed a long distance conversation with each other and I am already looking forward to more chats in the future.
I have spent the afternoon writing this post. This is perhaps my 7th draft. Please know that I am pouring out my heart and I am asking for compassion and grace.
I’m thankful for Godly parents and for being raised in the church. I had many amazing influences around me. But like any religion, there were people that I put tremendous faith in that disappointed me. And I can assure you, I disappointed others. My biggest problem with my fellow Christians in my 20s was an inability to offer each other and non-Christians grace and love.
Unfortunately, I think many people focus on the failures of other people as an excuse not to examine the ultimate truth that God is the constant source of peace and grace, not people. I know that I am guilty of that. The beauty here is that God still loves me for all of my mistakes. I am undeniably flawed, yet perfect and beautiful in His eyes.
Privately, I have always written letters to my children. Through my divorce. Through my cancer journey. Through my disappointment with religion. I am beyond thankful that these letters always displayed an unyielding love for God despite pain and disappointment. I will treasure these letters always.
Publicly, I have been a closet Christian the past decade. I come out in the security of Christian blogs or when surrounded by the comfort of a woman’s bible study. I haven’t always been this way. But I let my faith take a back seat when I married Jeff twelve years ago.
Jeff was raised in a loving home, but one that was of a different religion. Jeff became a Christian shortly after we were married and it caused tremendous pain. I love Jeff’s parents and family. How could I not? They raised a man who loved me after being left by my Christian husband while 8 months pregnant. Jeff welcomed and loved Rebecca even though she wasn’t his own. And Jeff was my earthly rock during cancer treatment.
But the reality is that our religious choices still cause pain for others. Sometimes I have hidden my faith or kept things generic to keep the peace and not hurt feelings. Anytime I get frustrated, I remember that it was my choice to marry someone of a different faith. When you marry someone, you not only marry their families, but also their communities. And I did exactly that when I married Jeff. We don’t regret our choice to be Christians, but we do regret the pain that we have caused. It is something we pray about on a daily basis, twelve years later.
Three weeks ago, Jeff and I were able to attend a conference in which a speaker stated that we will assuredly disappoint one another, but that we are still called to speak boldly. He asked, “Why are you ashamed to voice your beliefs? Of course people will be disappointed in us and discount our stories. But who else is there? Who else is there to tell your story of God’s grace? Is there someone who can tell your story better?”
And you know that my ears perked up when he used the word story. I am passionate about telling my story and teaching my children the importance of telling their stories. And I was missing out on speaking about a huge part of my story.
I also felt convicted that I was teaching my children to be ashamed of their faith in front of others. Ouch.
I am loved by a heavenly Father. I have been given more grace and mercy than I ever deserve.
Let me make this perfectly clear…Christians will disappoint you. I, as a Christian, will disappoint you. I ask you not to put your faith in me or others, as it would be misguided. Please don’t use religion, shame, people pleasing, or your disappointment in the shortcomings of others to determine your walk with God. Do not be ashamed. He is the constant in our ever changing world.
I also want to say that I know many of you come from vastly different religious backgrounds and I’m thrilled you are here. Know this is coming from a “lump in my throat” kind of place right now. I ask for grace. There is no contention here or any religious motive. There is only a tremendous amount of love and compassion for all of you reading these words.
This is merely just me, trying to tell my story and share my heart.
Blessings sweet friends – Jenny
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Comments
Mikki
I admire you so much for opening your heart in this post. Religion aside, no person should be judged for being who they are; what a wonderful work it would be if everyone could truly express who they are and be embraced and encouraged for it.
Jenny
Thank you Mikki. It was possibly the most difficult post I have ever written, yet I’m going to bed feeling free and thankful.
OpinionsToGo
I loved your post. It saddens me that you had to put the word closet in front of the word Christian.
I make a point not to discuss politics or religion on twitter. I’ve been lucky to meet and chat with a whole lot of lovely people…and now you!
Jenny
It saddens me too when I have no reason to be ashamed. As a people pleaser I often avoid potential conflict, but felt like I wasn’t being true to myself and to my family.
Thanks for stopping by!
Chris
Jenny,
I’ve loved a lot of your posts. Cupcakes and swimming and life lists and home run derbies. They’ve all been great. However, this is by far my favorite post that you’ve written.
I don’t know why it is sometimes so hard for us to show others our faith. It is a very brave thing that you’ve done here. Regardless of any “backlash” that may accompany this public profession of faith, rest assured that Jesus keeps His promises. Matthew 10:32
Jenny
Thank you Chris. Jeff and I have appreciated you and Julie very much during the past 12+ years. It was definitely the post that I edited and rewrote the most! But I sleep well tonight knowing that it was time to say it out loud.
Nicole
This post reinforces what I always try to remember for myself and teach my children- people will always disappoint but God never will!
Jenny
Absolutely Nicole. My dad always says put your faith in God, not people. That sounds similar. It is difficult to not fall trap to placing my faith and hope in people however. I’ll forever be a work in progress.
Nirupama Kumar
I have been thinking about this post a lot since I read it. I didn’t think it was a secret that you are Christian, I have read about it here before but it is interesting to hear your journey. Like many other aspects of American life, the blogosphere can be very isolated from non-Christians. I live in the south and read blogs of other southerners – most of whom are Christian. I can’t say that they respond to me much at all (actually, the only one is Jessica Turner). I see all these pictures from mission trips of these women smiling with brown babies, but have not seen that diversity in their real life friend group at all. Are non-whites not worth talking to unless they are targets for conversion?? I don’t know. I think racism is alive and well in America but people hate to acknowledge it. I believe in God, and I think all Gods are one, but I am a Hindu and proud of my culture. I guess you are right, people will always disappoint but God will not. Thank you for sharing your view point, it is well appreciated.
Jenny
Thank you so much for coming back and responding. I love and cringe at your response. I cringe because there is so much truth to it, but I love your willingness to speak it out loud.
Racism is indeed very much alive. I see it as a Christian and as a nurse. I pray that one day that will change in my lifetime. Progress has been made, but we have a long way to go still.
One of the criteria I have in the church I attend is that I want it to reflect the culture I live in. Here in Phoenix there is a large Hispanic population, so I always scratch my head when I walk into a church without Hispanics. I’m not interested in being a part of a club. I want to be part of a church that reflects my God. And my God is one of inclusion and grace. Thank you – this has been so eye opening.
Lesley
We disappoint each other because we are people, full of flaws and drowning in our own issues…not because we are Christian, Jewish, Buddhist or any other religion. Faith is such a deeply personal thing. I believe in God, and I have faith in humanity and both have let me down from time to time. But that’s because of me, not God or other people – I clearly set the standard too high for them to attain it. Does it mean I will lower my standards? No. Does it mean I will get disappointed again? Probably, and it will probably happen a lot over my lifetime but that’s ok because I am who I am and everyone else is who they are.
I liked your phrase “Closet Christian”…I guess that is what I am too although I never really thought about it before. I believe in God, I was raised in the Christian faith and I am raising my children the same way. But I dont go to church regularly…does that make me any less of a Christian? I hope not! But maybe it does make me a Closet Christian! And that’s ok, I can live with that!
Great post Jenny, keep being you baby – that’s exactly what God would be expecting of you!!
Lesley
Jenny
Going to church is not what makes us a Christian. I will say for me that when I went through the season of not going to church it made it that much harder to go back.
For myself being back in church I often hear a word or a song in worship that allows me to know I am right where I’m supposed to be.
I now miss church when we have a swim meet – that wasn’t the case years ago. Thanks for the dialogue. I’m always cautious about talking about religion, but I’m fascinated how faith is put into practice with others.
Heather S.
Thank you for being so honest and open with your life and your faith. We are all put on this earth to help each other, and by sharing your struggles and faith, you are doing just that.
Jenny
T/U for the encouragement. I’m so imperfect but am thankful I have this blog to voice my story as honestly as I can.
Julia
<3
Yvonne
What an amazing post! I’m usually not a fan of religious posts, since I feel they judge other people or try to convince them to change religion, but not your post. I love it. I’m raised catholic but I’m not going to church anymore. I have been disappointed by behavior by people in the church and the church itself when I was a teenager and decided that I still belief in God but no longer in the church…. may be I’m a closet catholic. I also married a man who is not religious but agrees and lives by the values that I belief in as well, which is really important to me. SO thanks again to be so open about every aspect of life and not judge people or try to change them if they are different as so many people that I have encountered.
Jenny
Thank you Yvonne. I know that God has called me to be an imperfect messanger of His grace and love. I try my best, but am so imperfect.
I desire for this community to be one of diversity, being real, and no shame. Where I love to talk cupcakes, crafts, and life list items – I was led to talk about my faith and am glad I did. No regrets. Thanks again.
Heather
Wonderfully written, Jenny.
Marilyn Johnson
Beautifully written post Jenny. Both my husband and I are Christian, but he is Methodist and I am Catholic. At first he had a lot of fears about the Catholic Church. With time we have been able to learn to undestand and respect our own beliefs. Basically we try to remember it all boils down to we believe in the same God, that we try our best to be good to each other and other people. You continue to amaze me Jenny with your passion and your caring for others. Doesn’t surprise me at all that you are a nurse!
Jenny
Nursing has taught me many things including how diverse, yet similar we are to one another. We all seek to be loved and understood.
I also have learned how grieving is different for every person, yet no way is necessarily wrong. It’s just different.
I’m so glad that God is working on me and molding me in His image. Sometimes though, it’s a challenging road as I’m a stubborn soul.
Lynn D
We tend to judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their actions. Either way, it is judgment. God doesn’t judge us until we die. Why are we so hard on others (and sometimes on ourselves) when ther is grace freely given. I am so guilty here, and yet I know God’s love is turning me away from judgments toward his grace. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Blessings.
Jenny
Oh my Lynn – I’m totally stealing your first line. I’m so guilty of that. God’s grace is the best gift I ever received and I need to continue to remind myself of that when I get trapped in the net of being too hard on myself. Thank you.
Tricia T
Lynn, my Pastor said that once and I’ll never forget it. I try to remember that. Not so much to accept others intentions but more to focus on my own actions. That’s all I can be held accountable for…
Gayletrini
what a lovely post. Strange but it was never a question to me that you were Christian. I guess it is true when they say “And they know we are Christians by our love”
You continue to inspire. May God blessings continue to be showered on you.
(And it is true people will always disappoint that is why we must look to God only)
((hugs))
Jenny
I started singing the song from children’s choir when I saw your comment. I haven’t hidden from my faith, but I haven’t fully embraced it either. I just want to be authentic and real in all areas of my life. God is the reason for my story.
sharonne meyerson
Jenny, what you shared is so inspiring! i tend to judge people on their titles “Christian”, or “New York Jew” or “Israeli” or even “Soccer Mom” and i realize i put up walls before i even get to know people and i’ll be the one to miss out. i know i’m judged by my titles (jew, israeli, mom, woman, etc) and it makes me mad yet i do it back. my favorite expression lately has been “be the change you want to see in the world” and i believe that when one is authentic and true to themselves it gives others permission to do the same. thank you for sharing this – i have caught myself sometimes being afraid to say i’m a jew or that i believe in God, and i’m always afraid of the reaction to “i’m an israeli” (especially from other expat israelis surprisingly). i realize now from your blog that authenticity takes courage and i am ashamed that i have not been authentic in that way – and that i’d be teaching this to Joshie. i can’t thank you enough for reminding me to be true to myself <3 <3 <3!!!
Jenny
There is truly quite a bit of innate judgement in all of us. I smirked when you said soccer mom because there is truth in that too. We have all fell victim and been guilty of placing labels on ourself and others.
I want my friends to reflect love, diversity, and grace. And my church to reflect the same.
It creates a heavy burden to keep things hidden thinking we are sparing others of hurt as well. I just can’t live with that weight anymore. It’s been a hard decade with that.
Thank you for commenting and as always, I love your voice and your passion for Judaism and David and Joshie.
Lynn L
I also thought you were a Christian because of your kindness.
I feel bad that so many people have had experiences with “christian/religious” people that were not at all “what would God/Jesus do” type encounters. We are so quick to judge and pass judgements!! Thankfully God is more forgiving!!! I also have had moments when I have been disappointed in the messages I have been teaching my kids about hiding my faith, going to church, etc. Thanks for the reminder that I have choice if I want to be a closet Christian or not!
Jenny
Jeff and I have been involved in Young Life (a high school ministry) and love their “come as you are” mentality. It is refreshing and shares the love of God that I feel. No shame, no perfection – just imperfect people seeking love and acceptance.
I feel like I have lived more in a restaurant revolving door even more than a closet. Just coming in and out depending who I am around. Time for that to change, but with a huge dose of compassion and humility at the same time. Thank you.
cathy stolze
Come As You Are. AHHHHH…YES! I can be REAL!
That is how my church is.
Don’t have dress up clothes? No problem. Have tatoos? No problem. Blue hair? No problem. Piercings? No problem.
Need Love? Need Forgiveness? Need Fellowship and maybe some snacks and coffee? No problem.
God is a gentlemen. He will not force Himself on us, but if we ask, No problem. He loves us. He forgives us. He wants to have a relationship with us. He wants us to love and forgive others. Your blog is come as you are.
When I first started reading it, I could see it. As I read it more, I could smell it, and now I can taste it and it is good. “Real” good. And I’m smiling, AGAIN! Thank you.
BettyLou
YES.
Amy
Hi Jenny,
I found your blog through a friend’s post on Facebook. Through my many dangers, toils, and snares I have come to realize that my die-hard Christian parents are only human beings, after all, and that if I want to tell my own story truthfully, then I must include those parts of my story that include abuse, betrayal, and hypocrisy, without denying the truth of the gospel. I have explored many other ways of life, and dabbled in eastern religions, only to find that what my soul wants is a solid rock to stand on, and, more importantly, unconditional love for the people who raised me to the best of their ability. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that mine continues to evolve, and I love that.
Sincerely,
Amy E Smith
Jenny
Thank you Amy for sharing your story. So much power in our own testimonies (although I prefer the word stories as it seems so much more personal and less preachy).
What an amazing gift to be able to offer your parents grace and love, despite any shortcomings. I know I have my fair share.
But my favorite part was exactly the point I came to… that thirst for a solid rock. Nothing else is quite as fulfilling.
So glad you stopped by and blessed me this morning.
Elaine
I came to read this post after your amazing post reminding me that I am Mom Enough. I didn’t comment over there, but wanted to let you know I enjoyed both posts. I enjoyed reading everyone’s comments here, too. Your post is unifying for people seeking acceptance and love, not labels and boxes. God’s grace is sufficient for me (even if I forget that sometimes). Thank you for your openness.
Jenny
God’s grace is indeed sufficient. I’m so grateful for that I was able to share this without being shamed and that others felt comfortable enough to share their hearts as well. We have enough labels in our society.
I couldn’t have asked for a better response. Thank you Elaine.