Jenny: I’m so immeasurably blessed. Great husband, energetic kids, job, shelter, food, my health.
Jane: Are you flipping kidding me? You still work full time, you are the heaviest you’ve ever been, and you have been losing your patience with the kids lately. Can you do anything right? Get your crap together woman.
Jenny: Wow. I loved being back in the water swimming, smelling the chlorine, feeling the sun on my back, and meeting new friends.
Jane: Are you flipping kidding me? Did you see some of those triathletes and their bodies? I thought you were an athlete? Why did you let yourself go? You should be ashamed.
Jenny: “Well thank you for your concern. I’ll make sure to talk to … (my kid) about it?”
Jane: Are you flipping kidding me? You aren’t concerned about my child or me. Actually you are only concerned with making yourself feel better by being critical of me or my child. Blow it out your wazhoo.
Jenny: I am so glad that I survived cancer and that my breasts are gone so I’m not constantly worrying about recurrence
Jane: Are you flipping kidding me? Your chest looks like a gigantic tic tac toe board. Ugh.
Jenny: Yes, I will bake 4 dozen cupcakes by tomorrow. Yes, I will be the class volunteer. Yes, I will bring dinner to your family next week. I really do enjoy giving and I get enormous joy out of it.
Jane: Are you flipping kidding me? Repeat after me… “No!” What part do you not understand…the N or the O?! Just say no and focus on your own family and yourself. Stop saying yes to everything.
Jenny: I love this new blogging world. I have met and felt challenged by some of the most honest and insanely talented people I’ve ever come in contact with. It has liberated me and I love this new found freedom.
Jane: Are you flipping kidding me? Have you seen the talent? How do you think you will measure up to these people? You aren’t selling anything. And didn’t you see the last tweet where someone was knitting behind her back while nursing, fixed her husband an organic, balanced meal straight from her garden, after a quickie in the laundry room, all the while preparing for her conference call with the CEO of Blogher related to her presentation next weekend at TED Talks regarding devising a peace plan for Uganda? You’ll never measure up. You’re not good enough just as you are.
So you now have met Jane. I meet her once a month usually for 24 hours. I have a love/hate relationship with her.
On the love side, I adore that she is sassy, not a people pleaser, fierce protector of her children and husband, lives dangerously, is not afraid to make a fool out of herself, and she lives without fear.
On the disgust side, I hate that Jane is full of self shame and doubt, critical, views life as half empty, compares herself to others, creates discontent, and always leaves me feeling very heavy.
This month Jane stuck around for about a week. Instead of her motivating me, she paralyzed me. Instead of convicting me about taking better care of myself, she choked me. I was drowning in the self loathing and pessimism she brought along. I allowed her to stay along with her tape recorded messages of self doubt that kept playing over and over again in my head. I finally had to finally scream “Stop!”
It’s not easy to stop that negative self talk. As a pretty optimistic person, it was debilitating. I finally had to focus on my primary goal which is to leave this world a better place than when I came into it. And me allowing Jane and her influence in my life wasn’t working and surely wasn’t pointing me towards the finish line I so desire. I told Jane that my passion for life was bigger than my fears.
I am good enough and worthy of all things that God allows me to have.
I am enough today.
And I will be enough tomorrow.
See ya Jane.
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