I’m still in Oregon at Your Story Retreat and digging deep into the stories I want to tell. The stories are pouring out which is interesting as I felt as if I had nothing to say over the past month. At least not the easy stories.
But here’s the catch with me. I want real. Real writing. Real friends. Real relationships. Real everything. I’m at the point in my life that I’m in a good place.
Yes, there are things I want to change and improve on. Yes, there are things that I want to learn, do, and grow with. And yes, I still long for a house. But I’m starting to love where I am at in the present more than ever. I’m not waiting for tomorrow. I’m not waiting to be a size 4. I’m not waiting for when I have a new home. I’m not waiting until that person calls me to go to the movies. I’m choosing to love myself and my present just as it is while working on what needs to be changed.
Here’s an exercise that I had to write this morning. My first draft. I will probably edit, add, subtract – but I wanted you to see my first draft. Perhaps I’m sharing too much, but again… I’m promising you real. My heart just as it is.
Please know that I’m truly in a great place and in no need of rescue. That’s the thing about life. The good, the bad, the ugly, and then the moving forward. It’s all necessary and it’s all good. Life is good.
Outside and Inside
Outside my hair has thinned and is often found on my pillow or broad shoulders. Signs of recovery and aging.
Inside I’m more alive than I’ve ever been.
Outside I see the reddened scars and cellulite streaks from years of surgery, chemotherapy, and steroids.
Inside I feel luscious and eternally delicious from one simple glance from Jeff.
Outside I see acquaintances who are shallow, self consumed, and too busy for relationships. I smile and bake them cupcakes anyways.
Inside I’m thirsty for substance. I’m desperate for connection with real women who want to share life, laughter, and struggle together.
Outside I’ve been married and loved two men.
Inside I’ve been only truly loved and made love to by one man. Praising God that round two of sex doesn’t only exist on General Hospital as I thought during my first marriage.
Outside I’m sick of the surface shit.
Inside I’m yearning for depth and revelation.
Outside I’m wearing comfortable denim in a size 14.
Inside I still feel like that national level swimmer with lean legs, strong shoulders, and one who walked with a confident stride. I’m finally confident that my inside is going to merge with my outside once again in the near future.
Outside I’m living life intentionally with a grateful spirit.
Inside I’m living life intentionally with a grateful spirit.
I suppose I’m on the right track.
Blessings sweet friends – Jenny
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