Sometimes it is hard to believe that it has been almost 7 years since Jenny finished her cancer treatment. It actually feels like it has been significantly longer than that. I wish that the diagnosis and treatment process were clear in my mind. That year of my life is a blur. It is like someone took an eraser and crudely erased the handwritten manuscript that was my life during that time and all that is left is the permanent impressions of the pencil on the paper. I often try to think about what I learned and what I could possibly teach other people from our cancer experience. While there are countless lessons, here are three things that I want you to know.

I want people to know that:

I am a more serious person because of the cancer experience. If you are going through cancer, understand that it WILL have a profound impact on you and your personality. If you are supporting a friend, give him or her grace when you notice that they aren’t quite the same person as they were before the diagnosis. Before Jenny’s fight, I was care-free and funny. I am now a more serious person, but it eases more and more with time. I feel like I lost a few friends because they didn’t like the more serious version of me. I also feel like those relationships would have been spared had they just given me grace and time to find myself again.

Treatment created a sense of solitude. Going through treatment was a very lonely process even with all the meals and support that were provided by friends and family. The reality is that most of the really tough times occurred when friends and family weren’t around. That created a sense of solitude that was almost incomprehensible to those trying to support us. If you are going through cancer, expect to feel alone at times despite all the support. If you are trying to support a friend through treatment, understand that the treatment and side effects are likely much worse than they look from the outside. Make yourself available during the toughest times and make sure you are ready to provide support throughout treatment. Support tends to wane towards the end of treatment when it is needed the most.

The year after treatment was very difficult. They always say the best way to galvanize a people is to give them a common enemy. When Jenny’s treatment was complete and the enemy beaten, it took a tremendous amount of time and energy to pick up the pieces. A vast majority of the support we received during treatment disappeared when treatment was over. The medical bills started piling up, and laundry, meal preparation, and just everyday life seemed to take much more energy than it did before. At times we felt overwhelmed by everyday life. If you are trying to support someone through cancer, give them a gift card to a restaurant or to a grocery store or take them a meal after the end of treatment. If you are going through cancer, expect an energy letdown and be patient with yourself and your family as you readjust.

I want to thank Jenny for letting me crash her blog again. When Jenny was going through treatment there was very little to go from from a husband’s perspective. I am happy to provide more insight/experience/wisdom to those looking for it. I think I will keep it a little less serious on my next post.

Thanks – Jeff

Read Part 1 of Jeff’s story.

I remember never laughing so hard when Jenny tried on her wig. She had gone and had a wig styled and cut for her before she lost her hair. It was similar to her hairstyle before which was a cropped blonde cut. When she put it on and looked up at me, she let out this sound between a hysterical laugh, cry, and snort.

The wig looked horrible. Beyond horrible. Jenny’s mom and sister came in from the other room. We laughed until we were all crying. We hadn’t laughed like that in months. It was the best release. Jenny decided she was happiest with her 99 cent bandanas from Walmart.

As we recovered from the emotional and financial butt kicking we had just received from cancer, it felt like we would never go another day without thinking about cancer and how it affected our lives.  As we got further from the treatment though, we thought about it less and less. (more…)

Jenny asked me to “guest post” today because she has to work.  What to write about?  I mean I don’t craft and I don’t bake.   I don’t have a list of 1300 things I want to do before I die.  Well…I do, but it is technically Jenny’s list.  I am going to take this opportunity to tell my side of the story.

Jenny and I met at the Wild West nightclub in Tucson, Arizona.  I was there with a bunch of my buddies to celebrate my upcoming graduation from the University of Arizona.  I won’t lie, at 10pm I was drunk. College graduation drunk if that  gives an appropriate frame of reference.  Then something strange happened.  I stopped drinking.  A small detail that changed that night and the rest of my life.

You see, I met Jenny at 12:30am and was sober when I met her.  Drunk Jeff would have been a turn off to Jenny, who is the granddaughter of a Southern Baptist preacher and a good girl.  What’s funny is that Jenny was in bed the night we met when some nurses and paramedics dragged her out of bed at 9pm and to the club.  It was the first time at age 24 years that she was in a night club. It wasn’t part of her nature.

After getting twirled around the dance floor by a guy in his 50s Jenny wanted to leave. But her friends convinced her to stay and they ventured into the part of the club where my friends and I were dancing.  She was promptly warned not to approach this group of guys. My group of 8 friends and I were dancing with each other, with no girls around. We continued to dance and about 12:30, it happened.  I turned around to make fun of one of my friends.  My friend that had been standing behind me was replaced by Jenny.  So, I made fun of my friend to Jenny.  She laughed. I remember liking her smile. And we started talking and I got her phone number.

I called Jenny about a week later in the afternoon on Mother’s Day.  The first part of the conversation was terrible.  It sounded like she had no interest in talking to me at all.  Then, out of nowhere, the conversation was great! We set up a date for next week.

We went on our first date and had a great time.  Unbelievable time, actually.  We talked and talked, and she was unlike anybody I had ever met before.  The next afternoon, after my classes were over, my roommate handed me an envelope that had been left on the front porch.  It was a letter from Jenny with a picture of her and a little girl. In the note Jenny wrote that she had a great time but felt it was wrong that she hadn’t told me that she had a daughter. Her friends had suggested that she just go out and have fun, instead of sharing her story on a first date. Jenny wished me well on my future golf career.

Wow, that was a curveball I wasn’t expecting.  It explained why the first part of our conversation on Mother’s Day was so awful.  Seems that she was trying to get someone to take Rebecca from her arms so that she could go outside and talk to me.

I called Jenny and simply told her ”Your daughter is beautiful.”  I told her that I didn’t know whether I was ready to date someone with a child. I didn’t know if I could love someone else’s daughter.  But I did know that she was different and I knew that I wanted her in my life. Even if she was just a friend. She was easy to talk to.

We met the next day and things slowed down for approximately 2 hours. Then I just kissed her. Jenny laughed, and said “I don’t normally kiss my friends.”  I met Rebecca a couple of weeks later, and I fell hard. I had already fallen for Jenny and now I loved a child beyond belief. I knew quickly that I could love Rebecca like my own, and that I was ready. Jenny and I were married within 6 months.  We ran off to Las Vegas and got married in the chapel at the Imperial Palace. Just the two of us.

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