Lots of reflecting going on this week. The past couple of days I’ve been forced to take a break from the activities of checking off items off my list. I’ve had to work 2 -12 hour shifts at the hospital and have spent some time in silence and reflecting. If you know me at all, you know I’m not quiet or still. Both were really good for me.
People ask me all the time why I think I got breast cancer. I had no family history of cancer. I was a size 8 when I got sick. I’ve never smoked a day in my life. And all my genetic testing was negative for the breast/ovarian cancer genes. My only risk factor was an early onset of menses (age 10), despite being a very athletic kid.
So do I really know the reason? No. But I do believe bitterness contributed to my cancer.
I married young. Like 19 years old young. I know… I am cringing, too. Scary to think I was over half way done with college too, when I got married. But nevertheless that was my choice and my vow was sacred. I believed with all my being that I would be married for a lifetime.
Instead of the white picket fence with 2 kids and a dog, I got the bitterness and devastation that came with finding out my husband was interested in living a life with another person. It also just happened to be when I was 7.5 months pregnant with Rebecca. Ugh. I talked a little bit about this here.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fun. It wasn’t pretty.
Interesting thing about bitterness. It does nothing positive. It eats a hole in your stomach. It makes you physically sick. It weighs you down. And it does NOTHING to the other person who has hurt or offended you.
So I read this study that said it takes 7 years for a cancerous tumor to grow. It often starts as non-cancerous growth and somewhere along the way it morphs and turns cancerous. I went through a divorce at 24 years old and had my mastectomy 10 days before my 31st birthday. Coincidence? Possibly. Possibly not. I will never truly know.
I do believe that my bitterness was a stumbling block to me living a full and abundant life. Of that, I am certain! I try not to live with regrets or look backward, but if I had one thing to do over, I would let go of that bitterness and anger a lot sooner if possible.
So this week, lots of reflection is going on because I’ve been struggling with some bitterness once again. Jeff and I walked away from our dream home in October. An unethical contractor, a bad real estate market, and an unhelpful bank worked together to cause us to lose thousands of dollars. Like LOTS of thousands of dollars. Dreams and dollars down the drain. Insert nausea.
The nausea quickly passes after a few moments but this week I’ve struggled with the bitterness. It has crept in and is trying to burrow it’s head. And it’s time to let it go. That contractor is surely not thinking about us, and for reasons that don’t really matter at this stage, he will get away with what he did. I don’t want to focus on the details. I know it isn’t fair, but it’s the reality that Jeff and I have been dealt.
So I have a hard day ahead of me tomorrow. Signing all the papers to officially walk away from the house. I thought that perhaps a miracle would happen and we would move in. But that doesn’t appear to be the case. And I don’t think I’m winning the lottery, considering I didn’t play. Random thought: My chances would improve if I played.
I tell my kids, “You are your choices.” I have the choice to walk into the office tomorrow with my head held high or to walk into the office angry at a person who isn’t thinking about me or my situation in the least. Honestly, both choices kind of stink, but there is an obvious right choice to be made.
And I have these kids up above to come back to. And I have you, my wonderful new friends, to come back to. And I have this obnoxious long list of items to complete. I have no more time in my life for bitterness, unless God wants to allow me to live to 150 years old to get all these things done.
So even though it is not a banner day by normal standards, today I’m moving forward. And this weekend, I’m spending it with Ben. Jeff is taking the girls out of town for a swim meet and I’m staying with Ben for his basketball championships. And I refuse to spend it bitter and sad.
And Monday, I’m certain that Ben and I will have checked off an item off our life list together. Back to the fun posts. Enough of this serious stuff.
Life is too short to choose bitterness. I’m going to choose life.
Also let’s keep the comments positive. I need all the positive vibes I can get today.
Blessings sweet friends – Jenny
If you are new to my site, welcome! Like what you see? I would love for you follow along on this crazy adventure of mine by subscribing to my blog and joining me on facebook, twitter, and pinterest.
Tweet
Comments
Lisa
I know you will succeed in letting go of the bitterness of this situation. I know you will move on. You have so much to accomplish and look forward to. When one door closes another one opens. Cliche I know, but maybe it was meant to happen this way for you to be able to move in a different direction. I am sure you will continue to look forward and not back.
Tonye Nadwornik
I wish you peace and I will pray peace will find you and settle in your heart..
Karen Moore
I am sending lots of (((HUGS))) your way and will be praying for you tomorrow and am sure you can walk in dignity through that difficult meeting! (Girl, you BEAT cancer, you CAN do anything! Especially with Jeff by your side!) Keep counting your blessings and have a wonderful weekend with Ben! You are RICH in the important parts of life – your health, your family and your attitude!!! XOXO
Carissa
Love it. I recently went through a “break-up” with my best friend of 16 years after realizing it had become toxic and I’ve held onto a lot of bitterness without meaning to. Thank you for reminding me that nothing good can come from it. I’m sending good thoughts your way and hope that your weekend brings you nothing but joy. I, myself, am going to spend my time with supportive friends who love me. Perfect.
linda trace
I have some bitterness of my own that I’d like to let go of (and have it let go of me), but its still a little ways off. I’ll get there though. there are days when I dont even think about it. So that’s an improvement!
I think you’re amazing. You can do anything. And I’m pretty sure you will
xx
MichelleB
Hi Jenny – so sorry to hear about your house
that doesn’t seem fair at all. Have you heard about http://www.tut.com/resources/notes/. If you sign-up you get little inspirational/motivational quotes via email (I love it). I found that they are always something I need to hear right at that time. Anyway – your post reminded me of a recent TUT I received which said: There is perhaps no more empowering belief than understanding you’re always in control of how you feel.
Similarly, understanding that just because you’re not always skipping through tulips with joy doesn’t mean that something’s wrong with you.
How true is that – you are allowed to have down days. But knowing when its time to pull yourself up and move on is important to!
take care!
Shawna Rae
Remember the Law of Attraction… Positive attracts positive… Etc. That is something I remind myself of VERY often. Positive thoughts, a smile on your face and the knowledge that your life with your family is what is important will help you through your day. It might not always make it a perfect day…but it helps. Hugs to you!
Melissa O
For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13
He knows the plans He has for you! And they are good! 
A friend of mine posted this for me today. I quickly claimed it as my verse to meditate on today. I’d be happy to share it with you…it can be “our” verse for today
Heather
This is one of my favorite Bible verses, and one I truly believe in. Perfect for your difficult day ahead, Jenny. It’s hard to accept when our “dream” doesn’t coincide with God’s plans, but if you know in your heart that He knows what is best, you can lean on that understanding. Thinking of you today. Have a great weekend with your son!
Jennifer Henson
You are a positive blessing to others-keep smiling! Sending hugs and prayers!
Yvonne
So sorry to hear you are having a hard time this week, but I really belief that we are going through things for a reason… so keep your head up high and choose to let go of that bitterness. Is it easy no never, but in the end you will come out better. And in time you will look back to this event as a start of something new and exciting! So lots of hughs and strength for you!
Julie
Jenny, you just made me realize that I have been harboring bitterness toward someone as well. I will release that today, thanks to you. Hugs to you as you sign those papers. We went thru something similar in the past and I do truly believe it happened for a very important reason. We are blessed in retrospect and should always trust the path. Thanks, as always, for being an inspiration!
SusanB
Thank you for such an honest and thought-provoking post. I have a hard time letting go of things (real or perceived slights, disappointments, worries). But it serves no purpose to hold onto these things; it just makes me sad and angry and bitter. I’ve been working on releasing things that hold me back and while I’m not totally successful all the time, it has gotten easier. I’m bookmarking your post as a gentle reminder to me when I’m struggling. Thanks again and all the best to you!
Dana
Thank you for your post, I have held on to a bitterness regarding a family member for quite some time. I am going to work on letting it go.
Lee Currie
Good for you! Once I realized the only thing I could control is within myself are my own actions and reactions, I was no longer cursed with bitterness. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Head up and onward. I look forward to reading more of your goodness next week!
Christine
I worked with a doctor once who said “feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are.”. And my mom always told me when I was going through something bad to “just feel it and then move on,”. I think the two ideas together have served me well to acknowledge whatever I’m feeling is ok but to not hang on to the crappy stuff for too long. Sounds to me like you have made your mind up to do the same. Enjoy the one on one time with your son. I know he will, no matter if you are living in a castle or a tent!
Meg Barnes
I just think you are so super.
Jeri Ann
Here’s a hug. (_______) Those are arms with a squeeze in the middle. Thank you for having an imagination.
Ellie A.
Ah yes Bitterness so many times its come knocking so hard at my door I have really felt it was going to knock me down and just squash me. I have to stop and remember all that I am blessed and the words that always ring in my ear no matter the pain that I have had is Everything has a reason at least that is what I have learned even after losing our baby girl to SIDS in 2006 and no matter the pain that always will be with me I am so thankful for the time I had and all I have grown in faith because of it and although there are times bitterness has wanted to creep up I have learned as you said Life is too short and we have the choice of either holding on to the bitterness or kick its Bum by living and feeling blessed for all that we can achieve because we didn’t let us weigh us down. Know I will be having you in my prayers & sending you BIG Hugs!
Jodie
Sorry to hear that you are having a rough week, however I think they are necessary to help us appreciate all the good. I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and I believe that about your house which is all it is because home is where you, Jeff and the kids are and that is all that matters. Sending hugs your way.
Julie McD
Prayers, hugs and cupcakes are the only things I can offer during stinky situations. Since I am (a) way too far away in distance and (b) a virtual friend, I’ll send virtual hugs and my prayers. One day, perhaps, we’ll meet and I’ll bring a ‘bittersweet’ cupcake to combat the bitterness you are fighting today. I believe that things happen for a reason and, while your cancer was a horrible thing to have happened, you are touching many lives by showing so many how to not only survive, but to LIVE every.single.moment and embrace life. Have a blast with your little man this weekend, take deep breaths and suck in all the goodness around you.
Marilyn Johnson
Jenny, We have so many things in common. I too went through a bad marriage with a cheating husband the first time around. I ended up a single mom raising two little toddlers, one with complicated health problems. I hate that you and your family had to go through this. I know it must be so hard being so close to having your dream home. But I know you and your family will now move on and make plans for a new dream home. And IT will happen! I just know it.
Stacey K
YOU ARE INSPIRING me to be a better me, thank you.
Karen
OK. did my own math. My diagnosis was 7 years after my failed marriage also….kinda interesting. Positive vibes being sent your way
Have a great weekend
Melissa
Okay, I know we’ve never met. And I know this will just sound like a crazy lady talking. But Jenny, I just have to tell you that I love you. Yup. There it is … the crazy lady said it. Heck, I’ll say it again. I Love You. Reading your blog lifts me up, brings me joy, makes me seriously think and reflect about some of the “hard stuff” in life AND reading your blog gives me warm fuzzies. Every single time. So just know that if I could, I’d give you a huge hug and tell you that I loved you. Okay, crazy lady is going back to her life now …
Stephanie Hackney
I’m so sorry to hear about the house not working out. It’s so hard to let go of a dream, especially when the achievement of it is out of our hands. I wish you peace and patience as you work through your feelings about this. I also believe that everything happens for a reason, but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with disappointment, does it?
I have certainly held onto resentment and anger toward others whom I felt “did me wrong,” but what I discovered is that only I suffered – that moved on! That is perhaps the greatest lesson I learned. Harboring resentment or revenge is like swallowing arsenic and waiting for the other person to die. Only you are affected.
I found your story about the cancer coming 7 years after your first marriage ending amazing. I have several friends who have battled cancer and I know at least one of them had a lot of anger toward someone/an event in her life. Interesting to consider.
I wish you all the best in moving past this let-down. If it helps at all, remember that karma’s a you know what! What goes around comes around and those who do badly unto others eventually reep what they sow. I never wish ill will on others, but I have to say the belief in karma does make it easier to move on and let go of hurts.
Have a great day,
Steph
Julie
Jenny,
What a stinkin bummer of a story for you. BUT as you say, you gotta move on, gotta get your power back to you. Congrats on the lesson learned.
BTW, my sister has a theory that people ‘get’ cancer after a big fall. It’s her personal thought and science project. I keep telling her to find another project.
Keep the good thoughts and wonderful posts coming. You are an inspiration and I enjoy stopping by and saying hi.
Take care and peace be with you.
Julie
Amberr Meadows
If bitterness caused cancer I surely would have gotten something, and I have the genes. I hate to hear you got screwed over, and I hope the bitterness doesn’t overtake you this time. I know it’s easier said than done. There is another home that will be right for you, and when you get to that point, let me know, and I’ll vete the paperwork and hook you up with a free analysis. I used to be a mortgage finance gal with strong ties to the real estate market. I know all about crooks and contractors, and now I just try to help people when I can. Good luck to you and your family. Sending big hugs, prayers, and wishes for Karma to go after the lousy offenders. ox
Lynn L
I really appreciate your honesty and positive attitude. You definitely have not been given an easy road but you are choosing to travel the high road!! Good for you to find it in you to let go and as they say…Let God!! Good luck!!!
Karina
What a powerful and honest post. I feel your pain having lost (gulp) tons on the sale of our last home. But I do believe in the power of positive thinking – after allowing some time and self-pity. Be strong and think of all the great things in your future … And go hug those beautiful kids.
Janet Carr
Hugs sweetie!!!!!
Michele R
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I’m sure that was hard. I agree that bitterness is a negative energy and not a place to dwell. And yet, I think each life has a little negative so you can truly appreciate and soak in the positive events of life. There are no peaks without valleys.
Some questions don’t have answers. Why cancer? Don’t know. But perhaps you got cancer (not that I’m wishing cancer on anyone, truly) not because of bitterness, but so you could fully embrace the positive – your family, your blog, your cupcakes, your life list, your life. Maybe you were handed a gift, in a strange way. How many people truly embrace life like you do? It’s a gift.