Yesterday, marked 7 years since I heard the words, “Your cancer is gone. It is in remission.” My 6 foot 7 inch Jewish oncologist told me those words in his South African accent which I had grown to love.
I looked down at my watch at that moment that those treasured words were spoken and I saw the date was April 15th.
I remember laughing because it’s tax day in America, typically a day most Americans aren’t quite crazy about. But I am forevermore enamored with tax day. Another April 15th has come and gone which means that I am still breathing and living life. And for that I am deeply grateful.
So initially I was going to write a jingle about 7 things I learned from cancer or some other yada yada yada to offer my readers something because that is what bloggers are supposed to do! But I’m feeling led to share something completely different.
This past month God has been working on my heart. I’ve always been a decent person who often makes the best ethical/moral choice. But I have always struggled with dependence, especially on God. I have been asking Him to help me see my life and His plan for my life through His eyes. I was raised in church, but have been disappointed in people who do unkind things in the name of Christianity and other religions. But to be honest, I’ve used that as an excuse not to really look at my own heart and shortcomings.
So last week I read an article from Tara about spending time away from my computer and I thought, I need to do that. And I felt an urging from God to just turn my computer off. And I did… for 90 minutes until I just needed to check one more thing. An hour later my entire hard drive crashed. My computer is only 9 months old and had never given me any sign of trouble. So I took the “forced” break that I so desperately and unknowingly needed. And I knew it wasn’t a coincidence.
Within the same week I was approached about being featured in a local magazine and sharing my story. Then 2 hours later I received an email about interest in publishing my story about how I met Jeff, our cancer journey, and our journey towards living an intentional life. These were supposed to be exciting things with possible exciting things for the future, right?
But I felt like I heard nothing. Nada. No direction on where God was wanting me to go. Like God, where are you? The fear of the unknown was essentially paralyzing and I was somewhat discouraged at not hearing His voice.
Jeff and I met with some friends and really prayed, tears were shed, and some answers were received. We have been through an enormous amount of trials in our 12 years of marriage. We know how immeasurably blessed we are, but we both went to that meeting beyond exhausted. After this meeting we were given this book of daily devotions that take about 90 seconds to read each day. Powerful.
This might sound strange as I don’t often voice my prayers or much about my spiritual beliefs on this blog, but I poured out my heart. I literally waved a white flag in the air and hit my knees.
God, I know that you love me as Your word tells me so. But given what Jeff and I have been through these past 12 years, do you like me?
God, what do you want me to do? Am I supposed to be blogging, writing, nursing, or grow in my role as mom and wife?
God I am tired. I’m at my limit of bad news and trials. I know people have it much worse than I do, but I’m tapped out. (This is where the white flag came out).
And then part of the passage I read on April 11th – the day I received my devotional book.
“To find Joy in this day, you must live within its boundaries. I knew what I was doing when I divided time into twenty-four-hour segments. I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time. Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abundant Life in My Presence today.”
After that meeting, Jeff took my hand and said, “Please come with me and follow me on the rest of this journey. Let’s look at the unknown as exciting rather than daunting.” I’ve been really wanting to flee and runaway. Sometimes fleeing is easier than staying and working through the muck. {To clarify: I’m referring to life trials in general, not our marriage or family.}
I would like to tell you that I have received many more revelations but I have received very little other than “just be and wait”. Any of you who have read this blog for any length of time, know that I am a doer. Give me a list, and I can check that thing off quicker than anyone else I know. Just “being” is a foreign, but necessary word in my new vocabulary.
I don’t feel as if God is telling me that my life list is wrong or useless, only that He has additional plans for my family and that I need to spend time just being so that I know what those are when He is ready to reveal them.
So today I’m thankful for life, for my family, a new computer, and for you. And I’m lifting my iced tea glass up in cheers for 50+ more tax days!
Blessings sweet friends – Jenny
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Comments
Jennifer Henson
Happy Tax Day! Here’s to many more!
Your posts are always so meaningful. Thank you. I believe in the power of prayer and our relationship with God. He will faithfully answer. Hugs and prayers!
Jenny
I’m starting to realize that “Just wait” is an answer, just not always the one my impatient heart wants to hear.
Jennifer Henson
Jenny, I saw this, after seeing your reply to me, and thought of you.
http://pinterest.com/pin/185140234651709511/ Sometimes His answer is no, too. Later we receive a better yes. 
It’s hard, either way, to wait until you hear Him! 
He is with you-and shining out through you! 
)
Heather
From a fellow list-maker and do-er, I understand how difficult just “being” is…but it does sound like that’s exactly what God wants for you right now.
Congratulations on another Tax Day! What a great perspective to have!
Jenny
I think we should start a club of “Doer” and “listmaker” anonymous.
Julie
Jenny,
Happy Tax day and remission day. May you have many many more.
Enjoy the art of ‘being’…I think you’ll like it.
Thanks for being so open and honest about your feelings. You really touch people and heck….make us think! LOL!
Julie
Jenny
Thank you Julie. I’m truly learning more about myself this year than any skill, craft, or travel experience that I initially thought I would be learning about. Perhaps God just delayed the other stuff so that I can learn what He wants for me first.
Jessica B
I’m constantly making lists. It is how I feel like I survive so to speak. My family has been going through some turmoil these past few monthes and I feel like I’m constately reminding myself to breath. My OLW (Ali Edwards) this year was mindful. It seems to be fitting this crazy game of life. I keep reminding myself to be ‘mindful’ of the fact that God as his ultimate plan for me and my family. It might not be what I am expecting but it will be the path he wants me on. Some days it is harder to accept than others. So, thank you for the post and know that you are not alone. Though the computer break is what you needed I did miss reading your inspiration.
Sorry for my ramblings…
Jessica B
Also, my daughter and I have a lot of turn the music up and dance your little heart out parties in the living room. I’m really loving this song right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFY2Hdh7cvA&ob=av2n
Jenny
Thanks Jessica. I feel like a couple of extra words other than my OLW of intentional have come to mind including mindful, balance, and do. I think I need a list of words – imagine that!
Betsy
I understand the needed break and the pressure of all you do. My husband and I were just discussing some of our “First World” problems and the distress that they are causing us.
I, for one, missed reading your lovely posts and am glad that it is just the computer that crashed. Where ever God takes you is where you are supposed to be!
Hope you have many many more tax days and postings on your blog (or book, which I would buy in a heartbeat) or whatever happens.
Blessings and joy and peace and love to you and your loved ones.
Jenny
Thank you Betsy. I, too hope for many more tax days. I’m really grateful for your continued encouragement. I appreciate it very much.
Julie McD
Funny, I have her version for children of “Jesus Calling” that we read regularly and I have had the ‘adult’ version in my cart waiting to hit ‘buy me now’ for a bit. Thanks for the prompt. I’m taking it as a message from God via Jenny to get off my butt and click ‘buy’!
Happy “Tax” Day with hugs!
Julie
Jenny
We are influencing each other because I’m off to order the children version of the book. Good thing we aren’t neighbors or we would be in trouble!
Christine
Glad to “hear” your voice again. Was a bit worried something ugly happened. I’m horrible at “be still and know.”. I talk to my priest about it all the time. Funny, I’m a nurse too. I think doer is part of the list of common traits in that profession. We aren’t usually very good at asking for help either. Prayer and praise, you can’t go wrong there. I recommend Writing to God (Hackenberg) and Praying in Color (Macbeth) for alternative and somewhat creative prayer methods. Glad God chose to leave you here a while longer. You have been a blessing to me and I’m sure many more.
Jenny
Nothing ugly happened, thank goodness. Thank you for the book recommendations. I just got a gift card so I’m excited about reading some new books.
cathy stolze
Again, everytime I read something you write, I smile.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3: 5-6
Trust is about your heart. I think faith is really, really important to God. You see it over and over in the Bible. It represents freedom,rest and letting go. Most of us are too busy and noisy to hear the “still small voice” to identify it, to trust in it’s power. The next point in the verse is lean not on your own understanding (about you mind) God’s understanding is full, we can’t see everything. Then the last point is to acknowlege Him in all our ways. I think when we get this and fully believe God has our back and walk by faith and not by sight, we then take action and thrive rather than just survive.
It sounds seems to me that this is what you are trying to do, Let Go and Let God. Just Be. I love how you talk to God. “Do you even like me?” “What am I suppose to do?” “I’m tired.” When you prayed that you want to see His plan for your life through His eyes. Wow, look out girl, good things are coming.
I will never think of tax day the same way again, I will always smile.
Keep trusting and keep living one day at a time. I got me some church up in here. haha <3
Jenny
Can I just tell you that I smile even before I see what you write? Thank you for helping me “church” today sweet friend.
cathy stolze
Lots of 3′s coming your way!! haha xxxooo
Marilyn Johnson
Beautiful post Jenny! I can so relate to it. I feel at similart crossroads and am constantly asking God what do you want me to do? and telling him here is what I want, well mostly telling him here is what I want. Guess I need to listen more too. I joke that when he really can’t get me to listen it sends a very obvious message like with your computer! That so sounds like messages that I get from him. Today I will try to stop and just listen and instead of telling him what I want, asking him what he wants me to do. Thanks Jenny!
Jenny
It was a message that I needed to hear and knowing my personality, I needed a broken computer to get me to stop. It was humbling to see how dependent I had become on my computer.
We will both keep listening – I know He has something wonderful for both of us.
Lesley
Well first of all, happy tax day and congratulations for reaching this milestone…what a gracious blessing! You know sometimes you just have to stop and catch a breathe and that’s ok. Maybe if more people did just that, the world would be a better place. Because when you stop for that breathe, everything else just falls away and suddenly the things that are really important come into focus. I love that notion that God whispers in your ear, and then he keeps going until He has to smack you about the head with a lump of wood to make you stop and take stock of your life. That’s all I think cancer is and we were the lucky ones because we heard the message!! Just keep being you and doing what your heart tells you and it will always be the right thing to do! Lesley xxx
Jenny
Yes Lesley – precisely! I think God has been whispering for me so long that He just stopped until I came back to Him. I’m looking forward to his quiet instructions. It’s just the waiting that I’m not accustomed to, but obviously needed.
I have found myself looking at my scars differently too. I’ll post about that soon. Sort of a revelation.
Jane
Jenny hi,
I too am a ‘doer’. What I find hard is investing in the right things. That is to say, the ‘best’ right thing. As a recovering perfectionist I set the bar high, too high and then get very frustrated. (one small way I am practicing what Brene Brown calls the ‘gifts of imperfection’ is to not overanalyse my response on blogs post. I am even leaving in some ting errors – which is really hard).
Anyway, through Brene Brown, I learnt about a Sue Monk Kidd’s book. It is all about waiting – I kept reading it in (very) small batches and I liked it, but it was hard….. It was worth it for me. It is called ‘when the heart waits’.
Jane, Dublin