I wholeheartedly believe in the power of our words, stories, and pictures. While I have been regaining my energy and moving forward from a difficult time in my life, I have been thinking about my story and the story of my family. The past month I have been praying and dreaming about the chapters of my story that are left to be written.
I specifically have prayed about whether to continue telling my story through this blog. I committed several months ago to not making an impulsive decision and to really have a peace before moving forward either way.
While my blog reading has been very scarce, I have read these three posts that have spoken volumes to me. And, yes, I do believe they were placed in order of how I needed to hear them.
First, I read this post from Breakfast From Strangers when they interviewed Susie Davis.
Her quote, “I try to live my eulogy today. If you want people to say nice things about you at your funeral you need to be living that way now.”
After facing scary health issues over the past decade, I found myself tasting salty tears of joy and hope as I read the entire post. Her words simply reminded me that I am responsible for the energy that I bring in to the room, whether that be my home, workplace, or local breakfast shop. I am responsible for my choices and responses to my circumstances, no matter how many days or years God promises me.
Then through instagram I read this post from Hayley. I was sitting in the preschool parking lot and wanted to roll down my window and tell everyone of those young moms, “Read this!” I thought that might be construed as over the top, so I just clapped out loud to myself in my mom vehicle.
You see I have this desire to want to do it all and do it well. I know that is impossible and impractical, but that doesn’t seem to stop me from trying or at least secretly yearning for that desire.
So when Hayley wrote,
“That means I’d have to admit that I’m not good at everything and I can’t do it all. And that stings.”
Oh, could I relate. I forwarded the post to Jeff and this was his email message back to me.
“Hey – This reminds me of a friend of mine who isn’t writing, even though she has a gift. She doesn’t have the energy she once had to bake cupcakes, scrapbook, entertain, and exercise due to some (crappy) circumstances. She will again, just not now since this isn’t the season for it. But since she can’t do it all and do it well, she pushes her other gift of writing aside. I wish that girl would realize that standard of having it all together is just not going to happen. Life would be boring if it were that perfect. Maybe you could relay the message to her? Love you.”
I relayed the message to that friend. She listened.
And finally, I read this last week from Anne at Modern Mrs Darcy, after she attended the Killer Tribes Conference.
She shared this quote from speaker Ben Arment who said, “Frustration, sorrow, and heartache are unbelievable motivators. Frustration is a gift. My prayer for you is that great frustration would befall your life.”
But when Anne wrote this the tears fiercely welled up in my throat…
“And you better believe I’ll be dreaming about how those negative things (frustration, sorrow, and heartache) can be turned into something beautiful.”
I realized that my silence with blogging was directly related to fear. My fear of inadequacy. My fear of illness and death. My fear of not having it all together. My fear of giving you all the energy that I have, and it just not being enough.
So today I am choosing to step out of the fear and into the light. Today I am choosing to tell my story again. Today I am moving forward just as I am, even if it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.
Blessings sweet friends,
This picture is of a street in my neighborhood that I purposefully include along my walking/running route. Never hurts to be surrounded by positive people, thoughts, or street signs.